To Believe... (contd)

My sister's wedding was held in Varanasi, UP last year and we travelled to the oldest city in our country with a bunch of relatives. Our hotel bookings had been confirmed a couple of months before and the wedding was 2 days after our arrival in Kashi. We still had some purchases and last minute arrangements there and we had planned a sightseeing tour for after the wedding day.

My Uncle, who was the senior most was the puppeteer and we were the puppets dancing to his tune. He held all the strings and he was quite good at it too. The women had all the fun stuff like Mehendi etc to do whereas the men did the running around. My husband was given the responsibility of receiving everybody at the railway station and airport and bringing them and their luggage safely to the hotel.

Everything was going on smoothly. It was the day of the wedding. The ladies were busy washing their hair, getting ready for their respective beauty appointments. Early morning, a set of relatives were arriving from Chennai and my hubby had gone to receive them. He left wearing his Adidas shorts and when he left with his bulging purse in his shorts pocket, I had a feeling that it was going to be picked. But before I could warn him, he had left. I did not worry much as my husband is very careful with his money. When he got back, my instinct had been right and it was gone. He was not sure if it fell off on the way to or from the station. In fact, he could not be sure if it had been picked or it had accidentally fallen off.

Everyone was tensed. The elders were full of premonitions about a bad omen on the day of marriage etc. We were more stressed as he had an awful lot of credit cards and debit cards in the purse. He said he didn't have much cash in it but he didn't even know which cards he had carried with him that day. My soon to be brother-in-law arrived and said that the people of Kashi were not thieves and were honest people. If the purse was missing, it would have fallen off. As he was born and brought up there, he was likely to be biased and I was not very encouraged. Anyway, my husband and a friend of the bridegroom left on a bike to search for the purse.

They didn't find it. So my husband went to a nearby cyber cafe and started cancelling all his credit cards and debit cards. The connection there was very poor and he could not cancel all of them. Moreover, in his worry and hurry, he didn't remember the ones he had cancelled! It was such a frustrating situation. We had worried about carrying too much cash with us from Mumbai so we had brought debit cards instead. Now all that was left was to borrow money from some of our relatives. It was altogether embarrassing and stressful. By lunchtime, we had come to terms with the fact that we would have to make do without those cards.

At around 4pm, my husband got a call from the hotel reception saying two people from Mughalsarai had come to meet him. We were a bit perplexed as we did not know anybody in those parts. One of them was a rickshaw driver and he had been in Varanasi railway station on that morning. My husband had traveled in his vehicle and had dropped his purse in it. The driver had gone all the way up to Mughalsarai when he discovered the purse. Luckily for us he was such an honest man, that he had gone to the length of coming back to give my husband's purse back. And when he opened it, the cash and even the change was intact. My brother-in-law had been right. The people of Kashi were honest people.

The wedding went off smoothly without any more glitches. After the wedding, we proceeded on our sightseeing tour as planned. One of the star attractions in Kashi is the Vishwanath(Shiva) temple near Dashashvamedha Ghat. It is said that the lingam over there is Svayambhu (meaning came up from the water on its own). We visited this temple in the night as it is less crowded at night time. The darshan we received was very good and we were coming out of the temple passing through the maze of gullies that make up old Kashi.

My mother was telling me that when she had gone there first there were so many cows and buffaloes in that narrow gully and had made walking impossible and how lucky we were that it was empty of cows now. The gullies are so narrow, we had to walk in a single file. So my daughter who was 6 then was walking ahead with my Mom behind her, then me and then the others behind us. Just when she finished saying this, two cows came running at full speed right at my daughter. Some one must have chased them off from the other end. We heard the noise and before we could think they were almost upon my daughter. I was so paralysed, I could not even scream. My mother even more so. Ananya (my daughter) just turned to tell me she had heard some noise and that saved her life that day. The cows missed her by just a whisker and I realised I had been holding my breath till then.

Both the things that happened in Varanasi put me in a dilemna. I am an agnostic and the 2 separate incidents that happened there were claimed as acts of God by all around me. They said that what holier place than Kashi for God to smile on you. Whatever it was, I fell in love with that quaint little city and would love to go back there sometime.

Thank you very much Bhagyashree. Only after reading your post "Faith" did I recollect these incidents. This post is dedicated to you!

To believe ...?

Some days back one of my uncles came to visit us. Amidst mouthfuls of dosa, he was recounting how he had visited Tirupathi Balaji temple during Diwali. "It was so crowded but we could see the Lord for 40 whole seconds!" he said with a satisfied expression. "After that it was 'jerigundi' all over again. Sometimes you cannot even appreciate the whole form of Balaji in one visit but this time we were lucky," he said.

After listening to this, I went off into a private discussion in my own head. What is the difference between praying to Balaji at home and going to Tirupathi and praying to the same Lord amidst the jostling crowds? Why do people who are religious say that God is omnipresent, he knows all and sees all and still visit each and every temple in South India to prove they are more religious than anyone around them? If all Gods are one and He is omnipresent, should'nt praying at home be enough to get his favours?

I have been brought up by moderately religious parents. They told me God is great and its because of Him that we exist, etc, etc. We used to visit the temple in our neighbourhood on occasion and perform small pujas at home on all auspicious days. They never forced Him on me for which I am grateful to them. As I grew up, I did not feel the need to go and pray or meditate or visit the temple regularly (as most people do). Most of my friends used to prostrate in front of the Lord before exams; as though that one act could lead them to the top! Somehow, I have'nt felt the need to do that even.

Sometimes, when I feel depressed or lonely, those close to me always say that maybe praying to God or going to this or that temple could make me feel better. I should try and find comfort in the Lord's presence and so on and so forth. I wish that were true. Sometimes, I hope that maybe going to a temple would calm my anxieties but it has never helped. What some people call the power of belief or faith is an unknown entity to me. At times, I try and think why this has happened but I end up feeling lost.

When I look around at people who are fervently religious and chant shlokas for hours on a daily basis, I feel maybe I have lost out on something. But I have also noticed that some of these very same people do not follow what they preach. Just like an overweight person (like me!) would think eating an ice cream or a piece of cake is ok today if I definitely walk or exercise tomorrow, some so called believers commit all the sins that I could never even think of and then pray extra hard the next day. Does God forgive them then? Is it as easy as committing a sin and then asking for confession later as they do in the Christian faith? Does this mean that every religion gives us leeway to make mistakes?

Enraged

Last month, we had visited our opthalmologist, Dr.V for a regular check up. I come from a family where all of us wear spectacles; even my 6-yr-old does. After checking my mother's eyes he said that she had developed a cataract in both her eyes, the right one had progressed more than the left. He said that we could go in for surgery whenever it was comfortable for us. It was not very urgent either. He said the cost of operating on one eye with a foldable, intra ocular lens would be around Rs35000. 

Needless to say my mother was a bit shocked. She did not have too many symptoms and was not bargaining on spending so much so soon after my sister's mariage. She called a couple of friends who had undergone cataract surgery recently. One of them told her that she had been to another doctor, a Dr.C, also consulting in the same locality and one that we used to go to a long time back. She said he charged only half the amount and was a good doctor as well. My mother naturally wanted to go and consult with him too. I was reluctant at first, my argument being he might be using a much inferior lens than Dr.V. But later I gave in and a couple of days back, we went to him for a second opinion. 

On entering his room, my mother told him that she had been diagnosed with cataract and she had come to him for a second opinion. Dr.C did not open his mouth. He flashed his torch at my mother's eyes and said to his assistant, " Inka aankh dilate karo". Back to the waiting room, his assistant administered some drops for dilating her pupils. We waited around for half an hour then he called us back in. Again, checked her eyes with a torch, then a machine, and then he said, "Come for a check up after 6 months." 

Just like that, he had dismissed us. We looked at each other, blinked, then I asked him if her cataract surgery could be put off for 6 more months, if it would cause any harm, etc. He immediately turned to me and started yelling," If you go and tell a doctor your diagnosis, the doctor will say, come, I will operate. You have to tell me your symptoms and not the diagnosis. Just imagine, if you go to a cardiologist and say you had a block he would say yes because everybody has a block and he would get ready to perform open heart surgery on you. Only if you feel pain, you should go to him! Would you go to a doctor just like that or if you have a problem? Please donot come rushing to an ophthalmologist if your neighbour or close relative gets a cataract surgery done on him/ her. There are some doctors who would make you do all the tests and all the surgeries available at the first opportunity but I am not from that group. I am from the group of doctors who believe that only if you cannot get out of bed in the morning then you should go to a doctor. " He went on in this vein for about 20 minutes. 

Had this man never heard of prevention? And, he chooses to give me the example of the most vital part of our body, the heart! Nowadays, there is more and more awareness regarding our health and the benefits of diagnosing diseases earlier or preventing them altogether if you are prone to them. Would we or would'nt we go to a doctor if we fall sick and/ or find out there is something wrong with our health or would we wait till we cannot get out of bed? Dr.C could have just said that since the patient didnt have too many symptoms, we could wait for a while to operate. But, no! he had to give us a lecture about what we should do and shouldn't do and finally took consultation fees of Rs.400 as well leaving us irriated and angry at him at his rude behaviour. I dont know what made me leave that place without saying a word. I just wish I had given him a piece of my mind, yelled fiercely and thrown the money on his face and come home....at least I would have been at peace!

DOT hai!

Yippeeee! I am so excited!! My name has appeared on the voter's list and this is the first time ever that I will be voting. I remember when I was a small child, I have asked my parents when they returned after voting, whom they voted for. Both of them would reply with a conspiratorial smile that they would never tell. Once, my Mom confided in me that there were only two parties (this was a long time back!), the Congress and the BJP and she only had to chose among them.

After I turned 18, I was away from Mumbai a lot and after I have settled down in Mumbai for good, this is the first opportunity I have got to vote.

Never mind the fact that I have no clue as to whom I will vote for or the parties involved in this election!

Mentally abused

Smita and Dilip had been married for seven years. Theirs was a love marriage. Or so they thought. The arguments and bickering started right from day one. They would have their moments of course but they were few and their memories never lasted. They would fight over their respective in-laws, their child, money, a movie, a phone call or just about anything. They never seemed to agree about anything in their lives. Once Dilip could not hold his temper and dealt out a hard hitting, back handed slap on Smita's cheek. Smita stayed back only because of her child.

Very early in their marriage, when Smita was pregnant with their child, Dilip had been foolish and unfaithful. When he came to his senses after her delivery, he had confessed his sins to her and had pleaded and begged for forgiveness. He had told her that only because he missed her did he do such a stupid thing. Smita, being a simple person, decided to give him a second chance. She loved him very much to let him go.

After a while, he started confiding in her that he did not like her physically. He had been put off right from the start, he said. She should have been more well proportioned, he had expected something else, etc, etc. On hearing these things at first, Smita thought that this was his way of starting an argument with her and decided to ignore what he had said about her. But, it did not end there. He started ignoring her completely, started sleeping in a separate bed. He had also taken to commenting on some of her friends. He would say,"It would be great to have an affair with so and so...she really is sexy!" She would get really upset and depressed. She started losing her self confidence. She felt she could never do anything right because whatever she did he would either ignore it completely or pass a negative comment.

When she fell sick, he would not even inquire about her health. Many a times, when she raised her voice against him, he would stop eating as if to say it was all her fault. Sometimes he would shout out loud about the mistakes he had made in his life by choosing her as his life partner when he could have had anybody in the world. All this threw Smita into an abyss of depression, self pity and regret. She stopped taking care of herself, threw herself into household chores and started over eating. The end result: she gained weight and looked even more unsightly.

Smita did not want to break her marriage. Her Indian conservative upbringing forbade her from doing so. Also, there was the child who was very attached to her father and vice versa. If she left her husband, her child would be affected for life.

With her family's help she joined a support group in her area just to take her mind away from domestic matters. Slowly, she found that when she did not care about what her husband said, his comments did not upset her. Of course, things that have already happened cannot be undone. But her mind still has the largesse to forgive.
Isn't marriage otherwise called a compromise of sorts?

Godplayers

Saraswathy kept hearing the puffing and hissing sounds at regular intervals. She was feeling really tired. Each breath, it seemed, took more effort than the previous one. She wanted to tell someone, but she could not speak. She could not even move her limbs. When she looked around, the whole surrounding felt alien to her. Everything smelt of antiseptic. Only then did she realize she was in a hospital ICU connected to a ventilator. But she could not remember why she was there.

Outside, in the ICU waiting room a confrontation was going on in between Saraswathy's sons. The elder one, Vinod, was the one who housed and looked after his mother. He was a retired businessman with children of his own and a wife who had several health problems. The younger one, Vikram, lived abroad with his family but was struggling to make ends meet. The argument was about their mother who lay confused inside the ICU. The doctors had just informed the sons about the fragile condition of their mother. She had fallen from the bed a few days back and had suffered a hip fracture. She had undergone surgery to repair the hip but due to pulmonary embolism had not been able to breathe on her own and hence been connected to the ventilator. The sons had listened in silence when the ICU physician had recounted her best chances of survival. There was a chance she could be weaned of the ventilator in a few days. But it was not a sure thing. Meanwhile the ICU bed was tearing a hole in Vinod's pocket. Each day in the ICU meant he was poorer by Rs.15000 and he could not afford that for long.

Vikram, who was more closer to his mother, felt helpless as he could not help monetarily but did not want the support systems to be switched off without being absolutely sure that nothing more could be done. He kept saying "Amma will not let go so easily. She is a fighter!", which only angered Vinod more. He loved his mother too but was not so sure about her chances. He had another problem. His wife was pressurizing him saying she could not look after his mother if she was bedridden. If she had to she might fall sick herself. Vinod was stuck between his mother and his wife.

Finally, after 3 sleepless nights and waiting and watching their mother's condition, Vinod and his wife won out. The support systems came off and Saraswathy gave up without a fight.

Vinod performed all her last rites without missing any detail. All their relatives were called for the wake and no expense was spared. The only person unhappy was Vikram who kept feeling that had this money been spent on her health, their mother might be alive now.

Do we have any right to take this decision? The doctors who are more informed and educated about our health than us hesitate to have the final say in this matter. How can we lay people pull the so called plug on our dear ones lives?

Have You Heard About Autism

Autism is a neurological disorder that affects communication, social skills and behavior. Children with autism do not follow the same rules of communication and socialization that comes naturally to others and they have difficulty in making sense of the world. At present, there is no cure for autism. The only consistently effective treatment for autism is a structured training program which consists of ABA (Applied behavior analysis), biomedical therapy, RDI (relationship development Intervention), etc. Therefore, a combination of a good school with autistic-specified trained teachers and parent training is the best known treatment.

Autism affects 1 in 150 kids and has a strong genetic basis, although the genetics of autism is complex and unclear. Some scientists think that some kids might be more likely to get autism because it or similar disorders run in their families. Other proposed causes of autism are childhood vaccines, though this has not been proven yet. Most of the cases I have heard or come across are directly or indirectly related to vaccination. Immediately after the vaccination, the child develops a high fever and then starts regressing where loss of language and social skills are seen along with failure to make progress. The child stops responding when called by name (which before the regression he/ she was doing perfectly), stops playing with others, is not able to communicate even the most basic needs like hunger, thirst and toilet needs. The child also exhibits other signs like reduced eye contact or loss of eye contact, flapping of hands, toe walking, have tantrums, say certain words over and over (echolalia), playing with only one particular toy, etc. Most kids with autism don’t like change in routines. They are very repetitive in their behavior. They may also insist that their toys or other objects be arranged in a certain way and if this is not done they may get upset.

Many of you must have seen the movie “Rain man” in which Dustin Hoffman plays an autistic man. In reality, the actual disorder is nothing so dramatic. Many don’t even realize they are in the presence of an autistic child if the child is undergoing some kind of intervention or therapy unless they are trained or have a child with similar issues. Also, though they appear not to, children with autism listen to every word said in their presence, even the ones normal children may not pay attention to, but they rarely make sense of what is said. Most of them are hyperlexic (an ability to reads words that is above their chronological age or fascination with letters or numbers). Autism causes kids to experience the world differently from the way most other kids do. It's hard for kids with autism to talk with other people and express themselves using words. Kids who have autism usually keep to themselves and many can't communicate without special help.

Diagnosing a child with autism is very difficult. Most of the times, it’s the parent who gives the doctor the clues as to the behavior of the child at all times during the day for the correct diagnosis. Autistic children can make significant progress if the intervention is appropriate and consistent. Early diagnosis and intervention before the child is five is especially crucial to the child’s progress. It is for this reason that spreading awareness about autism is so necessary.

I would like to say that before vaccinating your children according to the schedule given by the pediatrician, please spare this condition and these kids a thought. A few years back so many vaccines were not insisted upon, then why now? Why inject our children with these unnecessary viral vaccines and stand the chance of making them social and behavioral retards? Why make them socially inept when you could have a bouncy, healthy and happy baby. Families and lives will never be the same again once autism strikes. What if the child gets a Mumps or a chicken pox once in his/ her childhood? Haven’t we all got it once in our lifetime? Didn’t we develop natural protection to those diseases then? ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) is much much more difficult to manage than a bout of Mumps or measles. So, people do spread the word and think!