Smita and Dilip had been married for seven years. Theirs was a love marriage. Or so they thought. The arguments and bickering started right from day one. They would have their moments of course but they were few and their memories never lasted. They would fight over their respective in-laws, their child, money, a movie, a phone call or just about anything. They never seemed to agree about anything in their lives. Once Dilip could not hold his temper and dealt out a hard hitting, back handed slap on Smita's cheek. Smita stayed back only because of her child.
Very early in their marriage, when Smita was pregnant with their child, Dilip had been foolish and unfaithful. When he came to his senses after her delivery, he had confessed his sins to her and had pleaded and begged for forgiveness. He had told her that only because he missed her did he do such a stupid thing. Smita, being a simple person, decided to give him a second chance. She loved him very much to let him go.
After a while, he started confiding in her that he did not like her physically. He had been put off right from the start, he said. She should have been more well proportioned, he had expected something else, etc, etc. On hearing these things at first, Smita thought that this was his way of starting an argument with her and decided to ignore what he had said about her. But, it did not end there. He started ignoring her completely, started sleeping in a separate bed. He had also taken to commenting on some of her friends. He would say,"It would be great to have an affair with so and so...she really is sexy!" She would get really upset and depressed. She started losing her self confidence. She felt she could never do anything right because whatever she did he would either ignore it completely or pass a negative comment.
When she fell sick, he would not even inquire about her health. Many a times, when she raised her voice against him, he would stop eating as if to say it was all her fault. Sometimes he would shout out loud about the mistakes he had made in his life by choosing her as his life partner when he could have had anybody in the world. All this threw Smita into an abyss of depression, self pity and regret. She stopped taking care of herself, threw herself into household chores and started over eating. The end result: she gained weight and looked even more unsightly.
Smita did not want to break her marriage. Her Indian conservative upbringing forbade her from doing so. Also, there was the child who was very attached to her father and vice versa. If she left her husband, her child would be affected for life.
With her family's help she joined a support group in her area just to take her mind away from domestic matters. Slowly, she found that when she did not care about what her husband said, his comments did not upset her. Of course, things that have already happened cannot be undone. But her mind still has the largesse to forgive.
Isn't marriage otherwise called a compromise of sorts?
Very early in their marriage, when Smita was pregnant with their child, Dilip had been foolish and unfaithful. When he came to his senses after her delivery, he had confessed his sins to her and had pleaded and begged for forgiveness. He had told her that only because he missed her did he do such a stupid thing. Smita, being a simple person, decided to give him a second chance. She loved him very much to let him go.
After a while, he started confiding in her that he did not like her physically. He had been put off right from the start, he said. She should have been more well proportioned, he had expected something else, etc, etc. On hearing these things at first, Smita thought that this was his way of starting an argument with her and decided to ignore what he had said about her. But, it did not end there. He started ignoring her completely, started sleeping in a separate bed. He had also taken to commenting on some of her friends. He would say,"It would be great to have an affair with so and so...she really is sexy!" She would get really upset and depressed. She started losing her self confidence. She felt she could never do anything right because whatever she did he would either ignore it completely or pass a negative comment.
When she fell sick, he would not even inquire about her health. Many a times, when she raised her voice against him, he would stop eating as if to say it was all her fault. Sometimes he would shout out loud about the mistakes he had made in his life by choosing her as his life partner when he could have had anybody in the world. All this threw Smita into an abyss of depression, self pity and regret. She stopped taking care of herself, threw herself into household chores and started over eating. The end result: she gained weight and looked even more unsightly.
Smita did not want to break her marriage. Her Indian conservative upbringing forbade her from doing so. Also, there was the child who was very attached to her father and vice versa. If she left her husband, her child would be affected for life.
With her family's help she joined a support group in her area just to take her mind away from domestic matters. Slowly, she found that when she did not care about what her husband said, his comments did not upset her. Of course, things that have already happened cannot be undone. But her mind still has the largesse to forgive.
Isn't marriage otherwise called a compromise of sorts?
Well written as a story.
ReplyDeleteIn Reality though i have three disconnects here and i shall articulate my points.Part of the disconnect can be because of the way i approach things, hence it is my opinion.
I have no sympathy for the abuser or the abused.One allows abuse and there are no second chances in breach of faith in my book. People in my opinion at the core never ever change. So one should walk out or end the situation at the first sign of trouble.Period.
Staying together for the sake of a child is so lame a reason.The first person you are responsible for is yourself.If you are happy you shall make the world around you happy.Do u think as the child grows up it wont realize the disconnect between the parents and then your "SACRIFICE" becomes the cause for her "GUILT" and it spirals into something else.
The reasoning of hiding behind conservative Indian background is even more surprising as it is a love marriage so that position sounds weak.
And marriage need not be a compromise, it is a union, a fit where one and one can become eleven, this is called twinning of selves where adjusting two personas to become a much superior whole is the key. In Compromise marriages your one first becomes .75 or .5 then you expect the other to have whittled down his self..pahhh
Rather brash feedback but sometimes some subjects and the way people look at things becomes so pessimistic and despondent while actively seeking sympathy, that it gets my goat.Your Smita is one such character.
Thanks a lot for your honest comments, Kau. That point about the child realizing the disconnect between her parents is right but I don't agree with the rest. Society can put a lot of pressure on a weak individual.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the point of view especially from a gender perspective.
ReplyDeleteSociety does extract a larger pound of flesh from the female in a marriage situation. The expectations are higher, the adjustments are larger and in most cases even the basic identity like a name is compromised. Given this situation it is my personal belief that it is the man in the relationship whose responsibility it becomes to establish and balance out the inequity that society has meted out to the woman.This demands his greater understanding,to that extent its the upbringing to the fore. Have been a product of working parents and we were raised to pitch in wherever an extra hand or presence counted.We saw it in action my sis and i and someplace it is inculcated...Gau could possibly be the reference point ;-) ha ha ...second is a communication which is clear and empathetic.
People are intrinsically not weak they have just not discovered their strengths yet. If the partners help each other discover that..doesn't that make for an enriching experience. Now the path to get there can be constructive thru talk or destructive thru abuse. Abuse is the weapon of bullies and at the core a bully is insecure.Hence they play on the other partners insecurity to be one up...
jeez this could become a post by itself..we can talk more but hope to have cleared where i came from for the feedback.
Actually what you have described above sounds like what happens in a perfect marriage...but is any marriage perfect? People are different and so are their relationships. Similarly, all husband are not doting, supportive, constructive, etc. Who knows what happens behind closed doors?
ReplyDeleteIn a marriage especially the Indian psyche is such that we start depending emotionally on our better half.. This holds true more so for females. So Seperation becomes all the more difficult whether u r a housewife or working woman.
ReplyDeletedcg dear, 1) i agree with what kau said. 2) if u love some1 to the core, u let him/her go. after all his/her happiness should make u happy too. 3)and please b4 getting into any relationship, make urself a confident self and financially sound, things become easy then to handle life.
ReplyDeleteWell my heart goes out to Smita. Its a story so I'm totally okay with the less than perfect end to it. It would have been so regular to find that Smita walks out on her husband and finds a life waiting for her out of the locks etc etc! Its just that it doesn't sound like a story. Or maybe it just feels incomplete. I'm left wanting for something more. Maybe some logical end like Kau said. Its too simple an account....
ReplyDeleteIs it that you want a perfect ending for Smita or a perfect story (read filmi)?
ReplyDeleteFor all you know it may be a true story...