To believe ...?

Some days back one of my uncles came to visit us. Amidst mouthfuls of dosa, he was recounting how he had visited Tirupathi Balaji temple during Diwali. "It was so crowded but we could see the Lord for 40 whole seconds!" he said with a satisfied expression. "After that it was 'jerigundi' all over again. Sometimes you cannot even appreciate the whole form of Balaji in one visit but this time we were lucky," he said.

After listening to this, I went off into a private discussion in my own head. What is the difference between praying to Balaji at home and going to Tirupathi and praying to the same Lord amidst the jostling crowds? Why do people who are religious say that God is omnipresent, he knows all and sees all and still visit each and every temple in South India to prove they are more religious than anyone around them? If all Gods are one and He is omnipresent, should'nt praying at home be enough to get his favours?

I have been brought up by moderately religious parents. They told me God is great and its because of Him that we exist, etc, etc. We used to visit the temple in our neighbourhood on occasion and perform small pujas at home on all auspicious days. They never forced Him on me for which I am grateful to them. As I grew up, I did not feel the need to go and pray or meditate or visit the temple regularly (as most people do). Most of my friends used to prostrate in front of the Lord before exams; as though that one act could lead them to the top! Somehow, I have'nt felt the need to do that even.

Sometimes, when I feel depressed or lonely, those close to me always say that maybe praying to God or going to this or that temple could make me feel better. I should try and find comfort in the Lord's presence and so on and so forth. I wish that were true. Sometimes, I hope that maybe going to a temple would calm my anxieties but it has never helped. What some people call the power of belief or faith is an unknown entity to me. At times, I try and think why this has happened but I end up feeling lost.

When I look around at people who are fervently religious and chant shlokas for hours on a daily basis, I feel maybe I have lost out on something. But I have also noticed that some of these very same people do not follow what they preach. Just like an overweight person (like me!) would think eating an ice cream or a piece of cake is ok today if I definitely walk or exercise tomorrow, some so called believers commit all the sins that I could never even think of and then pray extra hard the next day. Does God forgive them then? Is it as easy as committing a sin and then asking for confession later as they do in the Christian faith? Does this mean that every religion gives us leeway to make mistakes?

Enraged

Last month, we had visited our opthalmologist, Dr.V for a regular check up. I come from a family where all of us wear spectacles; even my 6-yr-old does. After checking my mother's eyes he said that she had developed a cataract in both her eyes, the right one had progressed more than the left. He said that we could go in for surgery whenever it was comfortable for us. It was not very urgent either. He said the cost of operating on one eye with a foldable, intra ocular lens would be around Rs35000. 

Needless to say my mother was a bit shocked. She did not have too many symptoms and was not bargaining on spending so much so soon after my sister's mariage. She called a couple of friends who had undergone cataract surgery recently. One of them told her that she had been to another doctor, a Dr.C, also consulting in the same locality and one that we used to go to a long time back. She said he charged only half the amount and was a good doctor as well. My mother naturally wanted to go and consult with him too. I was reluctant at first, my argument being he might be using a much inferior lens than Dr.V. But later I gave in and a couple of days back, we went to him for a second opinion. 

On entering his room, my mother told him that she had been diagnosed with cataract and she had come to him for a second opinion. Dr.C did not open his mouth. He flashed his torch at my mother's eyes and said to his assistant, " Inka aankh dilate karo". Back to the waiting room, his assistant administered some drops for dilating her pupils. We waited around for half an hour then he called us back in. Again, checked her eyes with a torch, then a machine, and then he said, "Come for a check up after 6 months." 

Just like that, he had dismissed us. We looked at each other, blinked, then I asked him if her cataract surgery could be put off for 6 more months, if it would cause any harm, etc. He immediately turned to me and started yelling," If you go and tell a doctor your diagnosis, the doctor will say, come, I will operate. You have to tell me your symptoms and not the diagnosis. Just imagine, if you go to a cardiologist and say you had a block he would say yes because everybody has a block and he would get ready to perform open heart surgery on you. Only if you feel pain, you should go to him! Would you go to a doctor just like that or if you have a problem? Please donot come rushing to an ophthalmologist if your neighbour or close relative gets a cataract surgery done on him/ her. There are some doctors who would make you do all the tests and all the surgeries available at the first opportunity but I am not from that group. I am from the group of doctors who believe that only if you cannot get out of bed in the morning then you should go to a doctor. " He went on in this vein for about 20 minutes. 

Had this man never heard of prevention? And, he chooses to give me the example of the most vital part of our body, the heart! Nowadays, there is more and more awareness regarding our health and the benefits of diagnosing diseases earlier or preventing them altogether if you are prone to them. Would we or would'nt we go to a doctor if we fall sick and/ or find out there is something wrong with our health or would we wait till we cannot get out of bed? Dr.C could have just said that since the patient didnt have too many symptoms, we could wait for a while to operate. But, no! he had to give us a lecture about what we should do and shouldn't do and finally took consultation fees of Rs.400 as well leaving us irriated and angry at him at his rude behaviour. I dont know what made me leave that place without saying a word. I just wish I had given him a piece of my mind, yelled fiercely and thrown the money on his face and come home....at least I would have been at peace!

DOT hai!

Yippeeee! I am so excited!! My name has appeared on the voter's list and this is the first time ever that I will be voting. I remember when I was a small child, I have asked my parents when they returned after voting, whom they voted for. Both of them would reply with a conspiratorial smile that they would never tell. Once, my Mom confided in me that there were only two parties (this was a long time back!), the Congress and the BJP and she only had to chose among them.

After I turned 18, I was away from Mumbai a lot and after I have settled down in Mumbai for good, this is the first opportunity I have got to vote.

Never mind the fact that I have no clue as to whom I will vote for or the parties involved in this election!

Mentally abused

Smita and Dilip had been married for seven years. Theirs was a love marriage. Or so they thought. The arguments and bickering started right from day one. They would have their moments of course but they were few and their memories never lasted. They would fight over their respective in-laws, their child, money, a movie, a phone call or just about anything. They never seemed to agree about anything in their lives. Once Dilip could not hold his temper and dealt out a hard hitting, back handed slap on Smita's cheek. Smita stayed back only because of her child.

Very early in their marriage, when Smita was pregnant with their child, Dilip had been foolish and unfaithful. When he came to his senses after her delivery, he had confessed his sins to her and had pleaded and begged for forgiveness. He had told her that only because he missed her did he do such a stupid thing. Smita, being a simple person, decided to give him a second chance. She loved him very much to let him go.

After a while, he started confiding in her that he did not like her physically. He had been put off right from the start, he said. She should have been more well proportioned, he had expected something else, etc, etc. On hearing these things at first, Smita thought that this was his way of starting an argument with her and decided to ignore what he had said about her. But, it did not end there. He started ignoring her completely, started sleeping in a separate bed. He had also taken to commenting on some of her friends. He would say,"It would be great to have an affair with so and so...she really is sexy!" She would get really upset and depressed. She started losing her self confidence. She felt she could never do anything right because whatever she did he would either ignore it completely or pass a negative comment.

When she fell sick, he would not even inquire about her health. Many a times, when she raised her voice against him, he would stop eating as if to say it was all her fault. Sometimes he would shout out loud about the mistakes he had made in his life by choosing her as his life partner when he could have had anybody in the world. All this threw Smita into an abyss of depression, self pity and regret. She stopped taking care of herself, threw herself into household chores and started over eating. The end result: she gained weight and looked even more unsightly.

Smita did not want to break her marriage. Her Indian conservative upbringing forbade her from doing so. Also, there was the child who was very attached to her father and vice versa. If she left her husband, her child would be affected for life.

With her family's help she joined a support group in her area just to take her mind away from domestic matters. Slowly, she found that when she did not care about what her husband said, his comments did not upset her. Of course, things that have already happened cannot be undone. But her mind still has the largesse to forgive.
Isn't marriage otherwise called a compromise of sorts?

Godplayers

Saraswathy kept hearing the puffing and hissing sounds at regular intervals. She was feeling really tired. Each breath, it seemed, took more effort than the previous one. She wanted to tell someone, but she could not speak. She could not even move her limbs. When she looked around, the whole surrounding felt alien to her. Everything smelt of antiseptic. Only then did she realize she was in a hospital ICU connected to a ventilator. But she could not remember why she was there.

Outside, in the ICU waiting room a confrontation was going on in between Saraswathy's sons. The elder one, Vinod, was the one who housed and looked after his mother. He was a retired businessman with children of his own and a wife who had several health problems. The younger one, Vikram, lived abroad with his family but was struggling to make ends meet. The argument was about their mother who lay confused inside the ICU. The doctors had just informed the sons about the fragile condition of their mother. She had fallen from the bed a few days back and had suffered a hip fracture. She had undergone surgery to repair the hip but due to pulmonary embolism had not been able to breathe on her own and hence been connected to the ventilator. The sons had listened in silence when the ICU physician had recounted her best chances of survival. There was a chance she could be weaned of the ventilator in a few days. But it was not a sure thing. Meanwhile the ICU bed was tearing a hole in Vinod's pocket. Each day in the ICU meant he was poorer by Rs.15000 and he could not afford that for long.

Vikram, who was more closer to his mother, felt helpless as he could not help monetarily but did not want the support systems to be switched off without being absolutely sure that nothing more could be done. He kept saying "Amma will not let go so easily. She is a fighter!", which only angered Vinod more. He loved his mother too but was not so sure about her chances. He had another problem. His wife was pressurizing him saying she could not look after his mother if she was bedridden. If she had to she might fall sick herself. Vinod was stuck between his mother and his wife.

Finally, after 3 sleepless nights and waiting and watching their mother's condition, Vinod and his wife won out. The support systems came off and Saraswathy gave up without a fight.

Vinod performed all her last rites without missing any detail. All their relatives were called for the wake and no expense was spared. The only person unhappy was Vikram who kept feeling that had this money been spent on her health, their mother might be alive now.

Do we have any right to take this decision? The doctors who are more informed and educated about our health than us hesitate to have the final say in this matter. How can we lay people pull the so called plug on our dear ones lives?